Hello readers.
This post is based on a talk I gave at a retreat recently. A very good friend of mine and I teamed up and gave this talk together, and I think it is one of the better ones I've ever done. I've never even heard of two people giving a talk together before, but we thought we would try it out. Ironically, it was about the importance of solitude--and we were doing it together. So this will be from my perspective, since I wouldn't feel comfortable giving her testimony (because, obviously, it's hers and not mine). I will, however, refer to the narrators in the plural first person, as the ideas are not solely mine but the themes we developed as a team.
So here we go: the importance of solitude.
"Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.
I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.
And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.
But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are." (From "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" by Dr. Seuss)
“Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.” (Theologian Paul Tillich)
Dr. Seuss seems to regard being alone as an unpleasant thing for most of us. On the other hand, Paul Tillich sees two sides to being alone. We want to focus our talk on solitude, which is intentional alone-ness. We don't want to take away from the idea of community. We are communal beings; God Himself, in the Trinity, is a communal being, and as we are made in His image we are also meant to be united with others. However, what you bring to the community is enriched by what you gain in solitude. But today we want to talk about the importance of solitude, which is different than being alone.
Coming to college often changes one's perceptions of solitude. Being alone can be intimidating, especially your first year. It may be the first time in your life that you are away from friends and family, and being alone may not always feel like a choice.
Personally, I've lived the life of an only child. My brother is twelve years older than me, so I was in first grade when he moved out. I've had times in my life where I have been constantly surrounded by other people, especially older people, and I sort of developed that only-child attitude of relating better to adults than to people my own age. There were also periods of my life where I was often alone, and it wasn't always a choice. My mom often worked late hours, and Dad was a farmer so sometimes he would work long days as well.
I saw college as a chance to never be alone and always be surrounded by others. A friend who graduated a year before me said she didn't like college because she felt like she could never get away from other people; I thought that sounded fantastic. Another influencing factor was when my freshman-year roommate told me she didn't want to be a "dorm rat." I thought that sounded horrible and I didn't want people to think of me that way. Especially when it came to the cafeteria--I never wanted to eat alone or let anyone see me eating alone, because then I would be a "loser" like I was in high school (according to myself). So I took the first friends I could find. Some of them were great choices, but sometimes I would act in ways around these people that made me very ashamed later. I would gossip about people I liked or talk about things that made me very uncomfortable in order to feel accepted.
Finally, I realized that I absolutely did not like who I was turning into. I decided that it was more important to be who I wanted to be, not the person I thought others would like. I slowly got over my fear of going to the cafeteria alone, but I still clung to people most of the time. I chose some new friends, and they were better choices for the most part.
Two major things last February changed my life drastically. During my service trip, or my SOUL trip (Serving Others United in Love), I did a lot of soul-searching. I changed and probably matured in huge ways in West Virginia. I learned not to be so judgmental and discovered my own values more closely. I kept a journal for the first time. And, that very same week, my parents moved from small-town southeastern Iowa to what I call a city near Rockford, Illinois (though it's much smaller than Rockford). I knew that being three hours away from my true home and five hours away from St. Mary's, it was going to be very hard to see any friends over breaks. That summer, indeed, I spent a lot of time alone. Most days were a combination of solitude and spending time with my dad.
Since I knew what was coming, I was very intentional about solitude and learned to really enjoy it. I worked about 2-3 hours a day, which wasn't much, so other than that, I would go to daily mass, go for walks in the beautiful canal park, and poke around in the garden. Although by the time the summer was over I was completely ready to go back to school, it was good, soul-searching time for me. I really began to know myself better, and I have completely become a new person.
Everyone has noticed the "new me." My family definitely loves it; according to Mom, I'm happier, more confident, and much more social (what? more social from being alone?). Not everyone loves it--a few people have not liked the changes, but I've come to understand that being myself is more important.
That's how I've come to know solitude, but why is it important? Two wise people offer their perspectives. My dad always says, "Are you thinking about what you're thinking about?" Paying attention to your thoughts and reading into them is an important way to come to know yourself better. Plato has said, "an unexamined life is not worth living." To me, it's very hard to examine your life if you fill it up so much with busyness that you never take a step back. As my partner in this talk says, spiritual growth depends on mental rest. You grow most as a person when you have these true encounters with yourself.
When you're alone, you aren't wearing any masks; you're not trying to impress anyone. There's no acting. You can develop a better sense of who you are when no one is looking. To me, prayer is the ideal way to reflect. Since God, being our creator, knows us better than we know ourselves, being in communication with Him is completely rewarding. However, not all solitude has to necessarily be prayer.
So how can this be done? I personally hate getting up early; I love sleeping and being in a warm, cozy bed. But getting up early and having prayer or alone time can be so rewarding. A friend of mine makes a habit of this; she says that even if she loses sleep to get up early, she feels more rested by giving herself this time than if she gets a full night's sleep. She is an immensely busy person, so for her, this rest is crucial. Journaling can help with this process; I don't use it very often unless I have something I feel like I absolutely must write about. However, I am a verbal thinker, so thinking out loud (or on paper, or on a blog) is one of the easiest ways to process my thoughts. I try not to text or listen to music while I do these things; for one, it doesn't feel like truly being alone; for another, it's best to remove all distractions.
Some of us may feel like we're constantly surrounded by others. Solitude doesn't mean being physically alone, and just as you can feel lonely in a crowd of people, you can also withdraw into yourself if you are around others. It's hard to do this at first, though. Saint Teresa of Avila once said, "You cannot pray at all times if you do not pray at specific times." Similarly, I believe that you cannot experience solitude around others if you never try to experience it truly being alone.
So, what are some places you can be alone? Ultimately that is something you will discover. A church or chapel is probably the most ideal place. Even if others are there, they are usually there for the same reason, so they will allow you to be with yourself. If you're at college, take advantage of times you can be in your room--being in your room doesn't make you a "dorm rat." Go to a restaurant or cafe alone, or go for a walk outside (depending on the weather and how you feel about it; don't be miserable.)
Now you know, at least what I think, is important about solitude. I hope you may have formed your own opinion or seen something that may fit into your life. Here is a song that we felt like applied well to what we said. It's called "Therapy" by Relient K. I'll provide a link to the song at the end of the post.
Thank you and have blessed solitude.
Lolly
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOMbDKU3tes - Therapy
